(line, if you think you do not know when you can blog again, said a student. I hope that she soon goes well, but for me it's been a gift.)
I still feel a bit dull. Even though I have not written here, I have time to think. I I liked this sentence: "I have no time" anyway, because it's not true. I have made in recent days a lot, but I have not sat down and wrote. Maybe this is my punishment. I was on Thursday at a meeting of my writers group and all said: "I just do not know what to write in my blog." and I had to specify the same: "Ideas is to have never been a problem for me. You to pursue one is." So for all those still looking for a topic, I'm still a queue: disabilities, sleep, transition, life coaching, self-sacrificing mothers. If you liked one, you may like to write about it.
But now I write first about what concerned me most and that is depression. Perhaps this is also a "social justice " theme. It should definitely be one. (And anyway I do not know where the line between personal and social factors. Constantly go into each other.) I hesitate only because I am not feel directly qualified to write about depression. But I find no other word to describe the condition in which I find myself. This is like the problem that I had when I found out that I had an eating disorder. I saw a talk show in which a group described "addict eating" their eating habits. They described my eating habits closely. Except that I have not weighed 150 kilos. Bus think today most people who know me a long time that I am a hypochondriac when I call myself a former Esssüchtige.
So I have bipolar light extra-light. Whatever. There is a part of me that is currently deaf, deaf and wants to be a part of the permanently in a Corner sits and wraps his arms around. It feels like I was wading through mud and rolled a heavy stone up a hill, while I have a whirlpool in my stomach. I'm trying to feed the vortex of food, especially with chocolate. And stun him, as I stare at the computer or TV. My Engerie level is very low, I sleep badly, I eat more than usual, especially sweets, I'm in a bad mood and when my husband pointed me to something I've forgotten - and that happens very often right now - I'll break in tears.
And then there's the other part of me that the careful and attentive and the part is pretty happy. The new conscious part of me that loves the sunshine and still makes sports and the Budget, the part of me that is going out with friends and make jokes and be around and other care. That's odd. I have the sense all the time if I could just sink into this feeling very lucky, Wacker would melt stone in my stomach. How will he do it sooner or later sure he always does. It's not like I would be permanently depressed. As I've
still lived alone, I have explained myself in this state, just sick. I went to bed for days and not gotten up. I just went out to have more chips, gummy bears, licorice and to buy chocolate. I pulled all the way back. Now I have a family and that is no longer possible. I am very happy because it made me feel even worse if I do nothing. I feel better when I leave the house and into the woods. If I eat real food, my mood is lifted a bit.
In a comment to my last post Esereth has written that there are deeper reasons for depression and that I can kill you when I find out what it does. So far I have found only trigger: the visit to my parents, too little sleep, made some music, too much was inside, every day a sermon must consult about the end of the world (okay, that's an exaggeration). And who knows, maybe there is also a part of me that this feeling like it. I suspect that is the counterpart to that of a highly streamlined, efficient, goal-oriented living wills. The Hyper-Organisiererin in me. And fun I have not had enough. There is the voice in me that was once the voice of my mother (and in real life every now and again) that says, "What do you think who you are?" There is the fact that winter is the light and sparse. There is the fact that I am exhausted and overwhelmed. And there is the fact that I have for weeks in manic Overdrive mode was, without realizing it. This is usually the main factor.
So if there is a deeper reason, then perhaps that I should learn in this life, at last, to be more stable. I'm not good at it. I prefer living in education and breakdown. Working like crazy for weeks and then go to bed and do nothing for a few weeks. Am either the life of the party, shine, laugh, dance, sing and tell funny stories or stay at home and I am alone. I can do that I have often done enough. The only bad thing is that I am neither happy nor satisfied makes. So I need to learn the "boring" way. Den, where every day is like the one before. Where you can work all the time, Černý is the chance of any link.
I have a friend who told me she felt even slightly bipolar. I asked, "What are you doing about it?" She said she just try to enjoy the manic phases and treat the depression as good as they could. For me, I can not accept that. On the one true bipolar disorder is dangerous if left untreated. The depressions are longer and deeper and there are people who are suicidal. I do not think my mood swings I qualify for a real disorder. I'm sure if I'm hereby to a doctor, he would break . Laugh (And I have the tests done in my book about bipolar disorder, thank you.)
But there are not only healthy and sick. In between, there are gray areas. My first step is to accept that because I can not control anything. No will power can make me to feel happier. If I ignore it, it comes back and takes me about one. If I am convinced the same time that one can choose his emotions, I'm still not far so that I could do it consistently. And I think my main problem is to avoid the overdrive mode. So it's about: How can you tell if you're just slightly manic or much experience extreme? And if I have a suspicion that I'm in overdrive, that is, from everything I say? As the Christmas party at the kindergarten? A visit with my parents, my parents have to and my son got her for ages? Christmas? NaNoWriMo? And I can not ask my husband to help me because he already shows signs of exhaustion.
Thanks for listening. Today I go to bed on time. Promised.
0 comments:
Post a Comment